Post by Serious Fan on Feb 14, 2009 16:31:29 GMT -5
Deep-sexy voiced announcer: Welcome to the Latin Love Lounge.
*We cut to the Latin Lovers, Guillermo Miramontes and Casimiro Melendez, sitting in velvet swivel chairs in a red lit room with their backs facing the camera. Next to each chair is a little table with a brand sniffer filled with cognac on each one. In between the chairs is a mail bag filled with letters. There are photos of sexy women on the walls and heart shaped balloons floating around, with stings tied to them and attached to the floor. Suddenly, Guillermo and Casimiro turn around. Two of the red lights switch to normal so that they aren’t in red.*
Guillermo: Hello, and welcome to the Latin Love Lounge. We are your hosts, the Latin Lovers.
Casimiro: You know, when we took over that incredibly dull and boring “Slippery When Wet” show about a week ago, we had such a good time. So much so that we thought to ourselves, why don’t we our own show?
Guillermo: And, we’ve rectified that with the Latin Love Lounge! Each week, we will take letters from you wonderful fans out there. If you have any questions about love or need some advice, send them to latinlovers1985@yahoo.com or write them to 123 Miller Street, Seattle, WA 98101. And, remember to keep them anonymous. Then, we will answer four of them on the air. Now, let’s get to answering some, shall we?
Casimiro: Wait, how did we get letters already if this is our first show?
Guillermo: Um…the power of love?
Casimiro: Ugh! Forget I asked.
Guillermo: Now, to our first letter!!!!
*Guillermo reaches into the bag and pulls out a letter.*
Guillermo: Our first letter is from Confused in New Jersey. Confused writes:
“Dear Latin Lovers,
I have a problem. I am a straight man who’s had sex with a lot of women. However, lately, something weird has happened to me. I’ve met these two Latino males. At first, I found them to be a minor nuisance. Then, they became quite annoying. However, I can’t stop thinking about them. I think about their handsome faces, their long and luxurious hair, their well-sculpted muscles, their deep sexy voices, and their incredibly firm asses. I think I am having feelings for them that I’ve only ever had for women. I don’t know what to do. In my fear out of these feelings, I have accused them of having these feelings for me, since they impersonated me on an Internet show. Which one is not important, but I can tell you it is the best one on the World Wide Web. Anyway, was this a good idea to accuse them of the feelings I have for them? And, what should I do about them? Also, I have a friend who I don’t think would understand the way I’m feeling. What should I do about him?
Sincerely,
Confused In New Jersey.”
Casimiro: Wow! That is a problem!
Guillermo: Yeah! We’re really starting this thing off with a bang! So, what do you suggest Confused should do?
Casimiro: Well, accusing someone of having feelings of admiration and lust for you when you yourself are having these feelings is not a good idea. In fact, it makes it more obvious that you have such feelings. To me, it sounds like you are denying a deep part of your soul. This part of your soul has been long buried in the dirt of lust for the opposite sex, like a seed. Now, the seed has received water. It is growing and growing as more and more water is poured on. If the growing won’t stop, then you should not stop it. It is all a part of nature. The seed must grow. It must be allowed to become a beautiful gay flower. So, let the seed grow! Become this beautiful gay flower that you are becoming! To deny it would be a crime to deprive nature such a gorgeous bud. As for your friend, you have to tell him. You need to know where he stands. If he understands, then it will strengthen the friendship. In fact, your friend may be feeling such feelings as well. And, if doesn’t, then he’s just as stupid as a…um…oh, I don’t know…a chicken.
Guillermo: Good answer! Now, let’s move on!
*Guillermo flings the letter over his shoulder. Casimiro reaches into the bag and pulls out a letter.*
Casimiro: Let’s see. Angry In Indianapolis!? Hmm…I wonder why he’s angry.
Guillermo: Why don’t you read it and found out?
Casimiro: I am! Don’t be so impatient.
“Dear Latin Lovers,
I am angry. I really mean that…I am so angry! I can’t stop being angry! I filled with rage and anger. It’s like a fire that won’t burn out! I don’t know how the stop! But, I do know the cause of my anger: I’m a douche. In fact, you could say that I’m the biggest douche in the universe. So, I figured that if I could stop being a douche, then I could stop being angry. However, I can’t stop being a douche, and that makes me angry! It’s a vicious cycle. I need help. How can I stop being such a douche!?
Signed,
Angry In Indianapolis.”
Guillermo: *sniffs a few times* What’s that smell?
*Both men sniff around, trying to find the smell. Suddenly, Casimiro sniffs the letter. His head jerks back.*
Casimiro: Oh God! It’s the letter!
Guillermo: *sniffs the letter and jerks his head back* Dear God! It is! What is it!?
Casimiro: *reluctantly sniffing the letter* It smells like body odor!
Guillermo: Dear God! This man has such bad body odor it’s infected his letter! Well, Angry, my first piece of advice would be to take a long shower! And, not in your bathroom! Get one of those radiation decontamination showers! Then, drown yourself in deodorant and Axe body spray. Then, go to our website, www.latinlovers.com. On the front page, there is a link to a page filled with our advice on getting women. Read it extensively. Then, go out and buy the finest clothes you can afford. There is also a link on tips on how to make yourself look nice and cool on a fixed income. Then, go out on the town and find a girl. Finally, take her up to you apartment and have sex with her. Repeat the last two steps over and over. You see, sex helps to relax people. A lot of sex will lead to a lot of relaxation. It might not stop you from being a douche, but it will stop that anger problem. Now, let’s move on. And, get rid of that thing for the love of God!!!!
*Casimiro pulls out a lighter from his pocket. He lights it and sets the letter on fire. It burns up quickly. Casimiro gags a little at the smell now becoming burnt. Then, Guillermo reaches into the mail bag and pulls out a letter.*
Guillermo: “Dear Latin Lovers,
I’ve been having sexual thoughts about a woman. Every time I’m near her, I can help but feel an incredible sexual tension between us. It is so thick that you could cut it with a chainsaw. The problem is that this woman and her friends hate me. In fact, they’ve attacked me and my friend on a few occasions. In fact, I’m not too keen on them myself. But, I can’t deny the sexual tension that I feel with this woman. I want to grab her, rip her clothes, and have wild, passionate, animal sex with her; and I feel that the feeling from her is mutual. But, I know that not only would my friend disapprove but also her friends would also and most likely beat me and my friend up again. What should I do?
Sincerely,
Hapless In Hawaii.”
Casimiro: It’s simple. First, you have to confront and find out if the feeling is mutual. You don’t want to simply take her and make her yours. That’s pretty much…illegal. Once you have confirmed these feelings—have sex her. However, keep it private. There’s no reason that you two shouldn’t have fun. Plus, ignorance is bliss. What your friends don’t know wont’ hurt them. Let them be ostriches with their heads in the sands. You two can be bunny rabbits, humping like there’s no tomorrow.
Guillermo: Good answer.
Casimiro: Thank you. Now, for the last one.
*Casimiro reaches into the bag and pulls out a letter.*
Casimiro: Oh my! This one’s from a lady!
Guillermo: How do you know!?
Casimiro: She sent us some pictures.
*Casimiro hands the pictures to Guillermo. His eye go bug-eyed as he flips through them.*
Guillermo: ¡A Dios mios! Read man! READ!
Casimiro: “Dear Latin Lovers,
I am your biggest fan. I love you two with the bottom of my heart that is as deep as the oceans. When I heard that you two were getting your own online show in which you read letters from the W*I*G fans, I just had to write you guys a letter. I pray to God that you read it on the first show! Anyway, I was wondering. You guys have such wonderful hair. It’s like a horse’s mane. It is so beautiful. I just have to know—how do you two get it to look so good?
Yours forever,
In Love In Los Angeles.
P.S. I sent these photos with my letter. I just want you two to get off on me since I have gotten off on you.”
Guillermo: Well, first, thanks for the photos. I can tell you, In Love, that we will be looking at these for a long time! Second, as for the hair, the upkeep is a long and difficult process. In fact, it would take too long share the entire process and ingredients that we use. However, at our website, www.latinlovers.com, we have a page dedicate just to the process Casimiro and I go through to keep our hair looking so fabulous.
Casimiro: Well, that’s all the time we have for today. I’m Casimiro Melendez.
Guillermo: And, I’m Guillermo Miramontes. Remember, wherever there are sexy women sitting on at bar, drinking appletinis, and not being lover, we will be there!
Casimiro: Wherever there are beautiful poems going unread and unheard, we will be there!
Guillermo: Wherever there are men not appreciating the women they supposedly love, we will be there!
Casimiro: Wherever there are unattractive men with great personalities being ignored by attractive women, we will be there!
Casimiro and Guillermo: And, WHERE THERE IS LOVE, WE WILL BE THERE!!!!
It looks like we do have a new online show. Some of those letters seemed a little too obvious as to who wrote them.
