*Bon Jovi's
“Have A Nice Day” plays.*
Howard Finkel: Introducing, LIVE from the Acropolis of Bewilderment...
*The scene opens on Casimiro Melendez dressed as James Bon Jovi (white cashmere sweater, black jeans with a chain hanging out of the left pocket, and black leather shoes) sitting in a director’s chair and Guillermo Miramontes dressed as The Maxx (a mo-hawk wig, black T-shirt, scarf, faded blue jeans, and sneakers) standing up in a director’s chair and clucking moving around like a chicken. Behind them is a back-drop of the New Jersey skyline.*
Casimiro: Hello, I am the ONE…the ONLY…JAMES BON JOVI…and I once a whole chicken.
Guillermo: BAWK-BWGAWK!!!!
Casimiro: Sorry, Maxx.
Guillermo: BAWK-BAWK-BAWK-BWGAWK, THE MAXX!!!!
Casimiro: Today, on the show, we talk about the Oscars. We were extremely disappointed that “The Dark Knight” wasn’t nominated.
Guillermo: BAWK-BWGAWK!!!!
Casimiro: You tell ‘em, Maxx. Anyway, we have decided to boycott the Oscars and hold our own award show: The Wetties!
*Trumpet sounds play.*
Casimiro: And, we would like to go ahead and announce the winner of the Wettie for Biggest Douche In The Universe, since it’s a no brainer.
*Guillermo bends over and picks up an envelope from the floor with his mouth. Then, he turns around and gives it to Casimiro.*
Casimiro: And, the winner is…*opens envelope and pulls out a piece of paper* Tristan Hades.
Guillermo: BAWK-BWGAWK!!!!
*A picture of Tristan pops up onto the screen. Then, “DOUCHE” in big bold red letters pops up over Tristan’s face. Then, we cut back to Casimiro and Guillermo.*
Casimiro: We don’t allow douches at the Acropolis of Bewilderment.
Guillermo: BAWK-BWGAWK!!!!
Casimiro: Good idea! Let’s turn our attention to the W*I*G and TigerPath supershow The Beginning Of The End. For those of you who don’t know, there was an excellent tag team match between the Latin Lovers and the Big Bad Baldies. Let’s role a clip, shall we?
Guillermo: BAWK-BWGAWK!!!!
*The clip starts playing.*
*Hondo exits the ring. The Big Man picks up Guillermo and places him against the ropes. He tags in Hondo and then whips Guillermo across the ring and charges at him as he bounces off the ropes. Hondo is about to get in, but the Big Man tells him to wait. However, Guillermo catches him off guard and hits him with a running single knee facebreaker. The ladies pop as both men lay on the mat. Hondo runs into the ring and picks up Guillermo. Suddenly, Guillermo grabs Hondo and hits him with an overhead belly to belly suplex. The ladies pop again, and all three men are on the mat.*
Tom: Somebody Stop Me! Guillermo somehow takes out both of the Baldies.
Jeannie: Now is the perfect time for Panty Power!
Tom: Oh God! You have to find a better name for that!
Jeannie: Never!
*Casimiro gets up and sees all three men on the mat. So, he jumps onto the apron, pulls out the panties her got earlier, and throws them into the ring. They land perfectly onto Guillermo’s face. His arm shoots up and grabs the panties. Guillermo takes a big whip and kips up. The ladies pop wildly.*
Jeannie: PANTY POWER!!!!
Tom: Well, at least it’s over.
*Hondo and the Big Man get up. Guillermo superkicks Hondo into a neutral corner. The Big Man grabs Guillermo, but Guillermo kicks him in the stomach, grabs him, and hits him with a leg hook swinging reverse STO.*
Tom: A Vous Les Femmes to the Big Man! Guillermo Miramontes is on a roll.
Jeannie: Thanks to PANTY POWER!
Tom: That has gotten real old real fast!
*Guillermo gets up, charges at Hondo in the corner, and hits him with a running double knee strike. Then, he rolls over onto his feet, grabs Hondo, and hits him with a cross-legged fisherman buster.*
Tom: Guillermo hits Hondo with La Carretera.
Jeannie: Behold! The power of the panties is mighty!
Tom: For the love of God, Guillermo, tag in Casimiro so she’ll stop!
*Guillermo then runs over to his corner and tags in Casimiro. The ladies pop as Casimiro runs into the ring and hits the Big Man with a hurricanrana as he gets up. The Big Man gets up and goes for a clothesline, but Casimiro ducks, gets behind him, grabs him, and hits him with a falling reverse DDT. Then, Hondo gets up and charges at Casimiro as he gets up, but Casimiro catches him with a swinging side slam backbreaker.*
Tom: In Evil Hour from the fresh Casimiro. This is starting to look like the Latin Lovers will pull out a victory in this match!
Jeannie: All thanks to Panty Power.
Tom: That better be the last one.
Jeannie: We’ll see.
*Casimiro and the Big Man get up. The Big Man tries to hit Casimiro with a bicycle kick, but he catches the Big Man’s leg. Then, he picks up the Big Man and hits him with a shin breaker followed into a modified leg hook saito suplex.*
Tom: Living To Tell The Tale to the Big Man.
Jeannie: That’s a new one. Hopefully it will keep him out of the match for a while.
*Casimiro gets up. Suddenly, Hondo charges at Casimiro from behind, but Guillermo stops Hondo and wraps around behind him. Casimiro sees this, and charges at them. Then, they hit Hondo with an STO/German suplex combo.*
Tom: It’s Valentine’s Day for Hank Hondo.
Jeannie: And, he just felt Cupid’s Arrow.
Tom: That was a good one.
Jeannie: Thank you!
*The Lovers get up. Suddenly, the Big Man charges at them, but the Lovers hit him with a double dropkick. The Big Man falls back into the ropes and bounces off of them. The Lovers get up and hit the Big Man with a double superkick. The Big Man falls to the outside. Hondo gets up and charges at the Lovers, but they catch him and hit him with a double gutbuster. Guillermo picks up Hondo while Casimiro climbs to the top rope. Then, they hit Hondo with an alley oop/diving bulldog combo.*
Tom: The Epic Love Poem to Hondo. It is just a matter of time now!
Jeannie: Epic Love Poem, eh? *pause* Um…nothing.
*The Lovers get up. This time Guillermo climbs to the top turnbuckle as Casimiro picks up Hondo. Then, Guillermo jumps off, and they hit Hondo with a flying neckbreaker/powerbomb combo. Then, Casimiro goes for the pin.*
Ref: 1…2…3! *The bell rings, the Lovers’ music plays, and the ladies pop.*
Tom: And, the Latin Lovers win with the Ways Of Love.
Jeannie: That’s because the Ways Of Love always prevail.
Tom: Wow. That sounded sweet.
Jeannie: You know what else always prevails—PANTY POWER!!!!
Tom: And, there goes all that sweetness.
*The clip ends. Casimiro stands up and claps. Guillermo is still acting like a chicken.*
Casimiro: Outstanding! *sits down* You know, we may have had our problems with the Latin Lovers, what with insulting them and attacking them. However, there is a reason of this: ENVY!!!!
Guillermo: BAWK-BWGAWK!!!!
Casimiro: Yes, it is true. We usually tell people to be
substantially envious of us, but the truth is this—we are
substantially envious of the Latin Lovers.
Guillermo: BAWK-BWGAWK!!!!
*Suddenly, a clip of the Latin Lovers walking is slow motion with the wind blowing their hair back plays.*
Casimiro: We are envious of their good looks. We are envious of their hair.
*A clip of the Lovers playing guitars and sings appear.*
Casimiro: We are envious of their musical talents.
*A clip of the Lovers hitting Hondo with the Ways Of Love appears.*
Casimiro: We are envious of their wrestling skills.
*A clip of the Lovers walking to the ring and a pair of panties flying at them, with Casimiro catching them, plays.*
Casimiro: We are envious that they get panties thrown at them when they walk to the ring.
*The clips stop.*
Casimiro: In fact, we even have a little penis envy towards them.
Guillermo: BAWK-BWGAWK!!!!
Casimiro: You said it, Maxx. And, just why are we envious of the Lovers. Well, I can’t speak for Maxx, but for me, they make me confused. When I look at them, I feel things that I’ve never felt before for a man. I don’t know what is going on, but I think I’m falling in love with them.
Guillermo: BAWK-BWGAWK!!!!
Casimiro: What!? I can’t have these sorts of feelings for a man!?
Guillermo: BAWK-BWGAWK!!!!
Casimiro: You can’t tell me what to do!
Guillermo: BAWK-BWGAWK!!!!
Casimiro: Why!? Because…
*Suddenly, Bon Jovi’s “It’s My Life” starts playing. A hand holding a microphone comes from off screen. Casimiro grabs it, stands up, and starts singing.*
Casimiro: It's my life
It's now or never
I ain't gonna live forever
I just want to live while I'm alive
(It's my life)
My heart is like an open highway
Like Frankie said
I did it my way
I just wanna live while I'm alive
It's my life!!!!
Guillermo: BAWK-BWGAWK!!!!
Casimiro: I’m glad you understand now. Until then, remember I LOVE THE LATIN LOVERS, and Tristan Hades is still the Biggest Douche in the Universe!!!!
*A picture of Tristan with “DOUCHE” in big bold red letters over his face pops up onto the screen. Then, we cut back to Casimiro and Guillermo.*
Guillermo: BAWK-BWGAWK!!!!
Casimiro: Yes! Be
substantially envious!!!!