Deep-sexy voiced announcer: Welcome to the Latin Love Lounge.
*We cut to the Latin Lovers, Guillermo Miramontes and Casimiro Melendez, sitting in velvet swivel chairs in a red lit room with their backs facing the camera. Guillermo is wearing a white silk shirt, black silk pants, and black socks and shoes. Casimiro has on a purple jacket, white shirt, khakis, black socks, and black shoes. Next to each chair is a little table with a brand sniffer filled with cognac on each one. In between the chairs is a mail bag filled with letters. There are photos of sexy women on the walls and heart shaped balloons floating around, with stings tied to them and attached to the floor. Suddenly, Guillermo and Casimiro turn around. Two of the red lights switch to normal so that they aren’t in red.*
Casimiro: Hello, and once again welcome to the Latin Love Lounge. We are your hosts—the Latin Lovers.
Guillermo: Before we begin to answer your letters, I’m sure all our fans out there are wondering why our date with Synthy Eris and Lexi Dyionysi has not happened yet. Well, as you all know, Synthy is challenging Coltrane for his W*I*G World Heavyweight Title. She needs all her focus and attention on her quest to become the World Heavyweight Champion; and we have graciously decided to wait on the date until she is done with her quest.
Casimiro: Plus, Guillermo hasn’t been able to find a good enough restaurant for the date.
Guillermo: Well, I want it to be special! You don’t take such lovely young ladies to Red Lobster.
Casimiro: Hey! I love Red Lobster!
Guillermo: Shut up.
Casimiro: Anyway, let’s get on with the show. Each week on the Latin Love Lounge, we answer letters from our wonderful fans out in TV Land. So, if you have any questions about love or need some advice, send them to latinlovers1985@yahoo.com or write them to 123 Miller Street, Seattle, WA 98101.
Guillermo: Now, let’s get on with it.
*Guillermo reaches into the bag and pulls out a letter.*
Guillermo: Oooh! Our first letter comes from the land of the Rising Sun.
“Dear Lovers from Latin America,
I went out with a woman about a week ago. The date didn’t go so well. She asked me about my likes, and I said that I liked to hurt people. I like to watch people bleed. I enjoy hearing their screams as I bruise their skin, crush their fingers, and break their bones. The agony of others gives me pleasure. I love the taste of blood as it comes freshly pouring out from the cuts I inflict on people—the warm salty, metallic taste fills me with a white light that only one can get from looking inside a person’s soul and breaking it in half. I feel more alive knowing that I have put them near death. She immediately ran from the restaurant after I was through talking, and this was like the millionth time this has happened to me. So, I was wondering—why can’t women fully understand me? What is their problem?
Signed,
Tortured in Tokyo.”
*Both Casimiro and Guillermo are shocked into silence. They look at the camera, then they look at each other.*
Casimiro: *whispering* I told you that we should screen the letters!
Guillermo: *whispering* But, then the show won’t be fresh and spontaneous!
Casimiro: *whispering* Screw fresh and spontaneous! I don’t want to freak out the fans!
Guillermo: *whispering* Let’s talk about this later! Answer the question!
*They both turn back to the camera.*
Casimiro: Thanks for writing us, Tortured In Tokyo. My advice to you is…um…seek psychiatric help! Let’s move on!
*Casimiro reaches into the bag and pulls out a letter.*
Casimiro: “Dear Fellow Purveyors of Passion...
Ever since you emerged from whence you came from, I have stared at you longingly as a hungry pooch would eye a juicy steak. The sight of both of you sexual leviathans have filled me with immense pleasure that fills my heart with an intense burning passion that nearly turns it to cinders. When I gaze upon your twin images upon my television screen, I cannot help but think... these two need the sex, these two crave the sex, and these two embrace the sex. I stare upon you while I sit upon my glorious throne in the Temple of Bliss, contemplating and trying to decide exactly how to get them to turn to my way of living. The thought fills my mind with such complication... and yet intrigues me so very much that I have made it my mission in life to bring such succulent sexual saviors like yourselves to bring into the glorious light emitting just outside my temple. You may think of me as some sort of lunatic, but I assure you, the sex has been and is always in the right state of mind. I assure you, when we finally meet, your hearts will melt like a delicious butter, coating my bare body with it's essence, and the three of us will experience the most orgasmic encounter that each of us will ever embark upon during the rest of our passion filled lives.
You cannot deny the sex.
Signed
Pleasure from... Purgatory.”
Guillermo: Thank you for the letter, Purgatory.
Casimiro: *disgustedly* And, the photos.
*Casimiro hands the photos to Guillermo. They startle him, and he throws them up into the air.*
Guillermo: As I saw from the photos, you are male. Well, I’m glad to see that our charms and good looks have a sexual effect on members of the same sex as well as the opposite. It’s very flattering. However, we are not homosexuals. But, we do know two men who are.
*Suddenly, two photos of James Bon Jovi and the Maxx appear onscreen. In one photo, Bon Jovi is nude but holding a towel in front of his genitals, and the Maxx is wearing nothing but a fanny pack over his genitals. In the other photo, Bon Jovi and the Maxx are wearing nothing but gold Speedos and are rubbing lotion over their bodies.*
Guillermo (voiceover): Sure, one is a Bon Jovi look-a-like; and the other looks like a chicken. However, they are attractive men, or so I’ve heard from the homosexual community. I’ve also heard from said community that they are passionate lovers. So, we are going to send you their addresses and phone numbers. I’m sure they would be more than willing to take on duties as your lovers.
*We cut back to Casimiro and Guillermo.*
Casimiro: I love it when you play match maker.
Guillermo: Me too! It’s so much fun!
Casimiro: Now, let’s go to our next letter.
*Guillermo reaches into the bag and pulls out a letter.*
Guillermo: “Dear Latino Lovers,
I’ve notice that you two have hit quite a few women on the W*I*G Roster. Though, there is one women you have not given your attention to—me! So, what gives!? Are my good looks too intimidating for you? Or, is it my muscles? Are you two afraid that I will over power you in the bed and possibly injure? Or, could it be that my large posterior? Do you two not like big butts? Or, is it so big that you have to think of a new and inventive way to *beep* it? I want to know!
Also, here are several photos to change your minds.
Sincerely,
Sexily Sculpted In San Francisco.”
*Guillermo looks at the photos and jumps back startled. He hands the photos to Casimiro, and he also jumps back.*
Casimiro: Oh…her. Well, Sexily Sculpted. We have noticed you. However, we just can’t get with you. It’s not that you aren’t…attr…attra…attract…
*There is a long pause. Casimiro grabs his brandy sniffer and swallows the brandy in one big gulp.*
Casimiro: Attractive. *shivers* You see…the reason is…that…um…well…you…look our mothers!
Guillermo: Yes! That’s it! That’s the ticket! You see, our mothers both look a lot like, and you see, it just so happens that you look a lot like them!
Casimiro: So, therefore, we can’t date you or take it any further because to us it would be like incest.
Guillermo: Yeah! We’re not Oedipal. Sorry! But, I’m sure you’ll find love somewhere. Let’s get to our last letter, shall we!?
*Casimiro reaches into the bag and pulls out a letter.*
Casimiro: “Dear Latin Lovers,
It is me, your biggest fan again! I’m hope you get this letter! The last time you did your shows, my letters weren’t chosen. I’m surprised considering I sent you like a thousand letters. Anyway, if you do read this letter, then the pay-per-view, Attrition, will be around the corner. And, both of you will be in the Gauntlet Match for the W*I*G World Tag Team Titles. So, I want to know what everyone else wants to know—what will your game plan be for the match? How will you handle all the teams in the match?
Yours forever,
In Love In Los Angeles.
P.S. I sent you more photos. I hope these get off just as much as the other ones did.”
*Casimiro looks at the photos and smiles. He hands them to Guillermo, and he looks at them for a few seconds and then puts them in his shirt pocket.*
Guillermo: Thank you, In Love. I’m glad that you sent us this letter and that we were able to open it before Attrition. We have of course prepared for the Gauntlet Match and do plan on leaving Attrition as the W*I*G World Tag Team Champions. And, since you asked, we will gladly tell you how we plan to handle each team in the match.
Casimiro: Are you sure that’s a good idea—revealing our game plan before the match? Wouldn’t one or all of these teams see this and know our plan?
Guillermo: True, but there is a chance that most of them will be eliminated before we enter the match. Hell, we could be the last team and only have to face one team; and that team will be tired by then. Besides, I’m not going to reveal all of our secrets. And, we do have Panty Power on our side.
Casimiro: Well, I guess it would be okay. And, Jeannie Lawless is going to love that we’ve adopted Panty Power.
Guillermo: Right. Now, here is our rundown of the teams in the W*I*G World Tag Team Championship Gauntlet at Attrition!!!! First, the champs—The White Boys.
*A photo of the White Boys appears on screen.*
Guillermo (voiceover): Now, they are a good team, since they are the champs. But, they have one weakness—ego! You see, they thought they were good enough champions that they didn’t need to defend their titles for several months. That ended up biting on the butts. They are rusty in the ring, evident from their match with Paul’s Boutique at March 29th. However, we have learned that they are training with their mentor, a man by the name of Pitbull. It seems that he is whipping them back into shape. This could help them. But, from what I’ve understand from the way it’s been worded in the proclamation by our general managers Reynaldo Fernandez and Jett Ripley, I believe they will have to go first. If this is correct, they will have to face all the teams in order to retain their titles. By the time we get to them, they could be very tired. Honestly, we don’t see them leaving Attrition as champions. Next, we have James Bon Jovi and The Maxx.
*The photo of James Bon Jovi and The Maxx in Speedos rubbing lotion on their bodies pops onto screen again.*
Guillermo (voiceover): Now, we have wrestled them; and we know how good they are. However, lately they’ve been more interesting in doing their Internet show than in wrestling. So, they could be rusty as well. Plus, they may be exhausted from all the sex with the Purveyors of Passion to wrestler in this type of match. They should be easy for us to defeat. Next is The Highland Diamonds.
*A photo of the Highland Diamonds appears on screen.*
Guillermo (voiceover): From what I’ve seen in from their work in EWT, they are good wrestlers. However, they haven’t done much in W*I*G. So, they aren’t well experienced in fighting the teams in this organization. Also, I’ve learned that they both can lose focus. Angus MacAngus can easily lose his temper, costing his team to be disqualified. And, the Emerald Warrior is arrogant which can lead to mistakes. It should be easy for us to capitalize on these weaknesses. Now, we move on to The Superstars.
*A photo of The Superstars appears on screen.*
Guillermo (voiceover): Now, these two should be the easiest to defeat. They can only brawl. They have no technical and submission skills. And, they taunt too much. Plus, they’re only really intimidating when with all their other friends in The World. Even then, they aren’t that intimidating. Seriously, these guys aren’t the biggest threats in the match. In fact, they are quite the opposite. Next, the Johannsons.
*A photo of Crash and Spyke Johannson pops up on screen.*
Guillermo (voiceover): Now, these guys are a threat. They both have contrasting styles, yet they manage to blend them well into a multi-dimensional style. Spyke is a good striker and submission wrestler, and Crash is great at power wrestling. They could give us problems. They do suffer from ring rust as well. They haven’t been partners in a while. In fact, they have rarely teamed up together. In this type of match, you need to be a well-oiled team in order to win. This could prove to be their undoing. Next, we have Paul's Boutique.
*A photo of Paul’s Boutique, with John Cena, shows up on screen
Guillermo (voiceover): These guys have some momentum going into the match. Their first match in W*I*G was a World Tag Team Title match, and they came close to winning. However, as we mentioned, they were facing the rusty White Boys. So, that could have been luck. But, they have a very unorthodox style. Hell, they took a dance break during their match. And, they haven’t been up front on TV since their match. They could have been hiding their skills from all of us in the match. Honestly, we don’t really know how to combat these guys in the match. They could be tough to beat, much like the next team—Brash and Weird.
*A photo of Brash and Weird appears on screen.*
Guillermo (voiceover): These are also two guys who are unorthodox, and we aren’t too familiar with. These guys aren’t too well know in W*I*G. Hell, they aren’t even wrestlers in W*I*G—they’re TigerPath wrestlers. Not only aren’t they well know, but they have also been wrestling the tough Japanese style. And, we can attest to the Japanese style—me and Casimiro had a tough time defeating fellow TigerPath team, The Big Bad Baldies. However, we did defeat them. So, there could be a way to defeat Brash and Weird too. Now, we move onto the biggest threat in the Gauntlet—Team Ireland
*A photo of Team Ireland shows up on screen.*
Guillermo (voiceover): These guys are the most experienced. They are a well-oiled team. They know how to work together to achieve a common goal. It’s like each one knows what the other is thinking and knows how to anticipate that. Not only are they strong and tough, but they also have the genius of Coach O’Hare on their side. Plus, they have held tag team gold in the form of the EWT World Tag Team Titles. The only thing that could work in our favor is their unlucky streak. At the last pay-per-view, they all lost their matches. And now, they are going into a match where they have to face multiple opponents and will have to wrestle for a long period of time in order to win. It doesn’t look good for them. But, the luck of the Irish could turn in their favor at Attrition. And, finally, we have Team Raft-Shack.
*A photo of Team Raft-Shack appears on screen.*
Guillermo (voiceover): Another former EWT team, these guys are a ball of energy. If they get into the match late and against a tired team, they could easily wear them out and win the match. And, they work well together. Plus, they are great at mind games. They can really frustrate their opponents. However, they aren’t very powerful. And, they are so good together as team that don’t really work well without one another. You could easily divide and conquer with this team. Also, there are…well, crazy. That leads to taking big risks that don’t pay off. So, all we have to do is capitalize on a mistake and keep them separated.
*The Raft-Shack photo disappears, and we see Guillermo on screen again.*
Guillermo: And, that is our game plan. Thank you for the letter and photos again, In Love, and I hope you enjoyed my in depth analysis of the Gauntlet match. I hope you enjoyed it. Wasn’t it well thought out, Casimiro?
*The camera pulls back to reveal Casimiro asleep in his chair. Guillermo looks annoyed. He grabs his brandy sniffer and dumps the brandy onto Casimiro’s face. Casimiro jumps up awake.*
Casimiro: Oh! That was good! Good job!
Guillermo: How do you know it was good!? You fell asleep, you jerk!
Casimiro: I couldn’t help it if it was boring!
Guillermo: Oh, that’s rich! You calling me boring! This coming from the man who writes poems that can cure insomnia!
Casimiro: Hey! At least they have some interest and creativity in them, unlike your boring analysis!
Guillermo: Hey! I was trying to figure out how to win us the W*I*G World Tag Team Titles!
Casimiro: Well, you did a good job in between having sex with all the women at the college a few blocks down!
Guillermo: Oh! Don’t throw that into my face! You’ve been down there just as much as I have!!!!
Casimiro: Ah shut up! Let’s just finish the show. I’m Casimiro Melendez.
Guillermo: And, I’m Guillermo Miramontes. Remember, wherever there are women who’s hearts have been broken by cheating husbands, we will be there!
Casimiro: Wherever there are men who need poems to unlock the hearts of the women they desire, we will be there!
Guillermo: Wherever there are women without our phone numbers, we will be there!
Casimiro: Wherever there are dance clubs, supermarkets, gyms, and any place that women frequent, we will be there!
Casimiro and Guillermo: And, WHERE THERE IS LOVE, WE WILL BE THERE!!!!