W*I*G Online

[C. M. Synthy]

A sparkly pink and acid green butterfly pops up in the screen, akin to Pop Up Helms from a few months ago in a different universe. The Butterfly phases out..into an anime'd version of Lexi Dyionisi's face. She offers a thumbs up, and a cheery grin.

Hiya folks, slowpokes, and happy, happy jokes! Hey hey hey, people! If you check out my corner of the website thingamabob, there's a limited time offer on a brand new item. "Lexi's Lesbian Love Links"! They're like, chocolate and cream filling! Tasty. Synthy-sis says I'll make a killing of a profit from those dudes in the "Metropolis of MetroSexuals" or something. Why would anyone want to kill a poor profit? Anywayz, my brother wanted to say something to those Latrine Likables guys. But the sentence is made up of words that would explode my head if I said them, so I'mma just gonna say...I don't think he loves you. =( But I do. Just cuz you love women. It's good to love people. People need love, just like butterflies, and anteaters, and rainbow knee high socks! ;D

Oh, oh oh, I almost forgot! That Drainy Trailor girlthing needs to lighten up and have some 'Japanese' Candy! She's mean. I don't like mean things. 'Specially her, cuz she's like... um...A jerk!! I'm sorry to hafta say something so bad, but... you know! She IS! I hope she gets hit by a shooting star. Anyways, here's love to the rest of you! And...DON'T FORGET TO BY LEXI'S LESBIAN LOVE LINKS!!

The butterfly replaces Lexi's face, and flaps a SHIMMER-like purple spread across the screen.

[Gigantor Maximus]

Gigantor Maximus signs with W*I*G

www.ROFLNEWZ.eggs

For some reason, somebody in W*I*G thought that it might be a good idea to sign EWT reject & all round loser Gigantor Maximus. This apparently happened after a mix-up when James E. Colvin requested that they sign "that chap who faced Coltrane at New Genesis", meaning Ferhago Crow. The lowly underling, who has since been fired for this blunder, instead signed Gigantor Maximus to a lengthy, unbreakable contract.

[The Latin Lovers]

Deep-sexy voiced announcer: Welcome to the Latin Love Lounge.

*We cut to the Latin Lovers, Guillermo Miramontes and Casimiro Melendez, sitting in velvet swivel chairs in a red lit room with their backs facing the camera. Next to each chair is a little table with a brand sniffer filled with cognac on each one. In between the chairs is a mail bag filled with letters. There are photos of sexy women on the walls and heart shaped balloons floating around, with stings tied to them and attached to the floor. Suddenly, Guillermo and Casimiro turn around. Two of the red lights switch to normal so that they aren’t in red.*

Guillermo: Hello, and welcome to the Latin Love Lounge. We are your hosts, the Latin Lovers.

Casimiro: You know, when we took over that incredibly dull and boring “Slippery When Wet” show about a week ago, we had such a good time. So much so that we thought to ourselves, why don’t we our own show?

Guillermo: And, we’ve rectified that with the Latin Love Lounge! Each week, we will take letters from you wonderful fans out there. If you have any questions about love or need some advice, send them to [e-mail] or write them to 123 Miller Street, Seattle, WA 98101. And, remember to keep them anonymous. Then, we will answer four of them on the air. Now, let’s get to answering some, shall we?

Casimiro: Wait, how did we get letters already if this is our first show?

Guillermo: Um…the power of love?

Casimiro: Ugh! Forget I asked.

Guillermo: Now, to our first letter!!!!

*Guillermo reaches into the bag and pulls out a letter.*

Guillermo: Our first letter is from Confused in New Jersey. Confused writes:

“Dear Latin Lovers,

I have a problem. I am a straight man who’s had sex with a lot of women. However, lately, something weird has happened to me. I’ve met these two Latino males. At first, I found them to be a minor nuisance. Then, they became quite annoying. However, I can’t stop thinking about them. I think about their handsome faces, their long and luxurious hair, their well-sculpted muscles, their deep sexy voices, and their incredibly firm asses. I think I am having feelings for them that I’ve only ever had for women. I don’t know what to do. In my fear out of these feelings, I have accused them of having these feelings for me, since they impersonated me on an Internet show. Which one is not important, but I can tell you it is the best one on the World Wide Web. Anyway, was this a good idea to accuse them of the feelings I have for them? And, what should I do about them? Also, I have a friend who I don’t think would understand the way I’m feeling. What should I do about him?

Sincerely,

Confused In New Jersey.”

Casimiro: Wow! That is a problem!

Guillermo: Yeah! We’re really starting this thing off with a bang! So, what do you suggest Confused should do?

Casimiro: Well, accusing someone of having feelings of admiration and lust for you when you yourself are having these feelings is not a good idea. In fact, it makes it more obvious that you have such feelings. To me, it sounds like you are denying a deep part of your soul. This part of your soul has been long buried in the dirt of lust for the opposite sex, like a seed. Now, the seed has received water. It is growing and growing as more and more water is poured on. If the growing won’t stop, then you should not stop it. It is all a part of nature. The seed must grow. It must be allowed to become a beautiful gay flower. So, let the seed grow! Become this beautiful gay flower that you are becoming! To deny it would be a crime to deprive nature such a gorgeous bud. As for your friend, you have to tell him. You need to know where he stands. If he understands, then it will strengthen the friendship. In fact, your friend may be feeling such feelings as well. And, if doesn’t, then he’s just as stupid as a…um…oh, I don’t know…a chicken.

Guillermo: Good answer! Now, let’s move on!

*Guillermo flings the letter over his shoulder. Casimiro reaches into the bag and pulls out a letter.*

Casimiro: Let’s see. Angry In Indianapolis!? Hmm…I wonder why he’s angry.

Guillermo: Why don’t you read it and found out?

Casimiro: I am! Don’t be so impatient.

“Dear Latin Lovers,

I am angry. I really mean that…I am so angry! I can’t stop being angry! I filled with rage and anger. It’s like a fire that won’t burn out! I don’t know how the stop! But, I do know the cause of my anger: I’m a douche. In fact, you could say that I’m the biggest douche in the universe. So, I figured that if I could stop being a douche, then I could stop being angry. However, I can’t stop being a douche, and that makes me angry! It’s a vicious cycle. I need help. How can I stop being such a douche!?

Signed,

Angry In Indianapolis.”

Guillermo: *sniffs a few times* What’s that smell?

*Both men sniff around, trying to find the smell. Suddenly, Casimiro sniffs the letter. His head jerks back.*

Casimiro: Oh God! It’s the letter!

Guillermo: *sniffs the letter and jerks his head back* Dear God! It is! What is it!?

Casimiro: *reluctantly sniffing the letter* It smells like body odor!

Guillermo: Dear God! This man has such bad body odor it’s infected his letter! Well, Angry, my first piece of advice would be to take a long shower! And, not in your bathroom! Get one of those radiation decontamination showers! Then, drown yourself in deodorant and Axe body spray. Then, go to our website, www.latinlovers.com. On the front page, there is a link to a page filled with our advice on getting women. Read it extensively. Then, go out and buy the finest clothes you can afford. There is also a link on tips on how to make yourself look nice and cool on a fixed income. Then, go out on the town and find a girl. Finally, take her up to you apartment and have sex with her. Repeat the last two steps over and over. You see, sex helps to relax people. A lot of sex will lead to a lot of relaxation. It might not stop you from being a douche, but it will stop that anger problem. Now, let’s move on. And, get rid of that thing for the love of God!!!!

*Casimiro pulls out a lighter from his pocket. He lights it and sets the letter on fire. It burns up quickly. Casimiro gags a little at the smell now becoming burnt. Then, Guillermo reaches into the mail bag and pulls out a letter.*

Guillermo: “Dear Latin Lovers,

I’ve been having sexual thoughts about a woman. Every time I’m near her, I can help but feel an incredible sexual tension between us. It is so thick that you could cut it with a chainsaw. The problem is that this woman and her friends hate me. In fact, they’ve attacked me and my friend on a few occasions. In fact, I’m not too keen on them myself. But, I can’t deny the sexual tension that I feel with this woman. I want to grab her, rip her clothes, and have wild, passionate, animal sex with her; and I feel that the feeling from her is mutual. But, I know that not only would my friend disapprove but also her friends would also and most likely beat me and my friend up again. What should I do?

Sincerely,

Hapless In Hawaii.”

Casimiro: It’s simple. First, you have to confront and find out if the feeling is mutual. You don’t want to simply take her and make her yours. That’s pretty much…illegal. Once you have confirmed these feelings—have sex her. However, keep it private. There’s no reason that you two shouldn’t have fun. Plus, ignorance is bliss. What your friends don’t know wont’ hurt them. Let them be ostriches with their heads in the sands. You two can be bunny rabbits, humping like there’s no tomorrow.

Guillermo: Good answer.

Casimiro: Thank you. Now, for the last one.

*Casimiro reaches into the bag and pulls out a letter.*

Casimiro: Oh my! This one’s from a lady!

Guillermo: How do you know!?

Casimiro: She sent us some pictures.

*Casimiro hands the pictures to Guillermo. His eye go bug-eyed as he flips through them.*

Guillermo: ¡A Dios mios! Read man! READ!

Casimiro: “Dear Latin Lovers,

I am your biggest fan. I love you two with the bottom of my heart that is as deep as the oceans. When I heard that you two were getting your own online show in which you read letters from the W*I*G fans, I just had to write you guys a letter. I pray to God that you read it on the first show! Anyway, I was wondering. You guys have such wonderful hair. It’s like a horse’s mane. It is so beautiful. I just have to know—how do you two get it to look so good?

Yours forever,

In Love In Los Angeles.

P.S. I sent these photos with my letter. I just want you two to get off on me since I have gotten off on you.”

Guillermo: Well, first, thanks for the photos. I can tell you, In Love, that we will be looking at these for a long time! Second, as for the hair, the upkeep is a long and difficult process. In fact, it would take too long share the entire process and ingredients that we use. However, at our website, www.latinlovers.com, we have a page dedicate just to the process Casimiro and I go through to keep our hair looking so fabulous.

Casimiro: Well, that’s all the time we have for today. I’m Casimiro Melendez.

Guillermo: And, I’m Guillermo Miramontes. Remember, wherever there are sexy women sitting on at bar, drinking appletinis, and not being lover, we will be there!

Casimiro: Wherever there are beautiful poems going unread and unheard, we will be there!

Guillermo: Wherever there are men not appreciating the women they supposedly love, we will be there!

Casimiro: Wherever there are unattractive men with great personalities being ignored by attractive women, we will be there!

Casimiro and Guillermo: And, WHERE THERE IS LOVE, WE WILL BE THERE!!!!

[Jason Hereford]

He was a man who shaped an era…

*We see a shadowed figure sipping from a chalice.*

…who captured the imagination and the darkness of a family-unfriendly genre for a couple of minutes in early February…

*The flame dies down & there seems to be another creature in front of him, too large for us to see properly.*

…talking with a hooded man in a robe…and disappearing in a…cloud of red smoke…

*The hooded man smirks, waves a hand & the beast that was infront of him vanishes in a puff of red smoke.*

…Lucifer Satanicus.

*The man picks up the book from which he was reading before.*

Now, you too can dabble in the dark arts with the Lucifer Satanicus 10-Disc DVD Special Deluxe Edition Boxed Set…a tribute to the man…or was it a beast?...that did the impossible.

*This other creature keeps it's back to the camera as the hooded figure seems to converse with it.*

Relive such epic moments as when the man with the hood burned a cat, possibly garnering endless phone calls and hate-mail from PETA…

*He tosses the cat into the centre of the symbol where it bursts into flame & disappears in a pile of ash.*

Or when he disappeared in dramatic fashion, never to be seen again…

*The hooded man smirks, waves a hand & the beast that was infront of him vanishes in a puff of red smoke.*

Featuring several minutes of non-stop, heart pounding action, a non-licensed track of “Prince of Darkness,” and in-depth interviews with the entire W*I*G roster…

*Video clips of various stars in W*I*G flash by.*

Jason Hereford: “…just an absolute recluse…”

The Maxx: “A renegade…”

Lexi Dyionysi: “…he was big and caused smoky explosions everwhere, just like that candy I had a few minutes ago! =D ”

Jack Jupiter: “…most annoying and lewd of anyone backstage, bar none!”

Juri Sadamoto: “No respect or consideration for the tougher points of the business…”

Tristan Hades: *grunt*

The Lucifer Satanicus 10-Disc DVD Special Deluxe Edition Boxed Set…now available on W*I*G-Shop.com.*

[James Bon Jovi]

*Bon Jovi's "Have A Nice Day" plays.*

Howard Finkel: Introducing, LIVE from the Acropolis of Bewilderment...



*The scene opens on James Bon Jovi & The Maxx sitting in Director's-style chairs, a back-drop of the New Jersey sky-line is in the back-ground. The Maxx is dressed in an unbuttoned shirt, T-Shirt, jeans & his fedora/doo-rag combo; he has a chain of some sort hanging around his neck. Bon Jovi is dressed in a faded pair of jeans with a chain hanging out of a pocket, striped polo shirt, and a sparkly vest.*

Bon Jovi: Hello, I'm the ONE...the ONLY...the REAL... JAMES BON JOVI...and my favorite element on the period table is Rutherfordium.

The Maxx: And I'm the "Overnight Sensation", THE REAL Maxx!

Jack Jupiter *leaning in from off-screen*: And I’m the REAL Jack Jupiter!

*James Bon Jovi and The Maxx both turn their heads simultaneously and look at him with confused but dignified expressions.*

The Maxx: And what makes you fit to be among us?

Jack: I am only the greatest man in the history of FOREVER to step into the ring and give it a dose of REALISM!

Bon Jovi: We don’t allow wannabes in the Acropolis of Bewilderment.

Jack: But I’m no wannabe, I’m the REAL Jack Jupiter! And I—

*The two residents of the Acropolis of Bewilderment simply continue to stare at him.*

Jack: –I’ll be going now. But you’re lucky…lucky that my bodyguard has to deal with that horde of security guards outside the studio! But I swear, one day will come where even YOU will bow down to the EXCELLOSITY and AWESOMENESS that comes naturally…

*A black title card with the words “30 minutes later” written in white appears on the screen, before fading back out to Jack Jupiter continuing his monologue.*

Jack: …to the REAL Jack Jupiter!

*He grumbles and clenches his fists, walking off screen and slamming a door behind him. As soon as he disappears, James Bon Jovi and The Maxx quickly turn their heads back to the camera and stare with their same expressions.*

The Maxx: …

Bon Jovi: …

The Maxx: …Hey, did you happen to see the latest W*I*G PPV that didn't feature a Tag-Team Title defense from The White Boys?

Bon Jovi: Are you shocked?

The Maxx: Only by the fact that they haven't been stripped of their titles for never defending them!

Bon Jovi: But what an amazing...uh...two matches there were on the card.

The Maxx: Yeah, well, maybe if some of these other guys had bothered their asses to fly back from Japan in time, WE could have had a match too!

Bon Jovi: Anyone in particular?

The Maxx: Actually getting the tag-team title shot we've been denied for months would've been nice... failing that, maybe we could've taken on The Latin Losers.

Bon Jovi: I don't know, the greasy Spaniard and his Colombian drug mule suck pretty are vacuums of any sort of ability. I'd be concerned about them sucking away all of our charisma and talent.

The Maxx: Fear not, my friend. Y'see, while they suck almightily, tests have proven that our talent far outweighs their suckiness, ergo, it should not pose too much of a problem for our magnificent sleeves to step into the ring with them. Hey, wanna see what I found?

Bon Jovi: What's that?

The Maxx: It's a Valentine's gift to Casimiro Melendez.

Bon Jovi: ...Wait, how did you get that?

The Maxx: I rifled through his locker...

Bon Jovi: You went through his locker?

The Maxx: What... like you don't go through everyone's locker?

Bon Jovi: ...Open the card, see who it's from.

*The screen turns bright pink as deep red letters appear across it. The following is read out in a Latino accent. It's also accompanied by this music.*

Dearest Casimiro,
I fear the world is not yet ready to know how we truly feel about eachother. That is why I can only give this oil that we may rub it on eachother's pecs. It is no secret now that while I adore you so, I often fantasize about James Bon Jovi or The Maxx, or sometimes both in those private times when we touch. If only we could possibly match the magnificent specimens that they are. As it is, we only have each other to rub baby oil into our mediocre bodies. It is too bad that neither of them would ever be with us even if they WERE gay, but we can continue to dream.
Yours always,
Guillermo Miramontes.

*A "Slippery When Wet" logo fills the screen as we cut back to The Maxx & Bon Jovi in their director's chairs, only to see The Maxx throwing the bottle of baby oil away with a disgusted look on his face.*

The Maxx: Eeewww! And they’ve been in the closet all this time!

Bon Jovi: Well, it’s always in the last place you look, especially with the Latin Lovers always making such a big issue out of sexuality and constantly calling us gay and whatnot. On the other hand, with all of the blatantly homosexually-themed promos they’ve had here in W*I*G…maybe that’s not such a surprise. Do be warned though, the first of these clips featured a horrid impersonator of me—who was later erroneously mentioned in another one of the clips as an impersonator of Jon Bon Jovi.

*The camera fades to numerous clips featuring the Latin Lovers.*

*Bon Jovi's “Have A Nice Day” plays. A man who looks like James Bon Jovi, only a little shorter and a lot fatter, walks up, holding a chicken. He shakes Guillermo and Casimiro’s hands.*

“James Bon Jovi”: …We were just envious of all the sex you two have. And, of course, there was some penis envy involved.

Casimiro: In fact, we even have a little penis envy towards them.

Casimiro: Become this beautiful gay flower that you are becoming.

Casimiro: Instead, we have nothing to do but fight off the sexual advances of two sexually confused men who are bad impersonators of John Bon Jovi and a chicken!

Guillermo: Wait…I’m confused?

*The camera fades back to The Maxx and James Bon Jovi, still sitting in their directors’ chairs. James Bon Jovi is holding a black pot; the Maxx is holding a silver kettle.*

The Maxx: Oh, the clips are over already? But this pot and this kettle weren’t finished being introduced to one another!

Bon Jovi: Don’t worry Maxx—if the Latin Lovers keep up their homoerotic hypocrisy, then there’ll be plenty of time for those two to be acquainted!

*A "Slippery When Wet" logo fills the screen & we cut to see The Maxx wearing a ridiculous looking long, blonde wig.*

The Maxx: [speaking with a ridiculous put on voice] I'm the REAL Jack Jupiter & I wish I had enough talent to actually get booked in a match...

*A "Slippery When Wet" logo fills the screen as we cut back to The Maxx & Bon Jovi in their director's chairs.*

The Maxx: Now, as we all know, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery...

Bon Jovi: And just look who has gotten their own new web- how on W*I*G.com...

*A picture is shown of Casimiro Melandez & Guillermo Miramontes on the set of "The Latin Love Lounge".*

The Maxx: Hey! It's The Latin Losers!

Bon Jovi: That's right. Not content with merely taking over the set of the greatest and highest-rated streaming video show on the entire World Wide Web, they now wish to match us and follow in our footsteps by doing exactly what we've been doing for months.

The Maxx: Maybe, boys... some day, you can hope to be as good as we are... but for you, that day is a long, lonh way away. Until you step up your game to the point where you can do this...

*A clip from "Parade of Champions" is shown of The Maxx hitting Guilermo with a "Maxximyzer" & covering him for a three-count.*

The Maxx:... you'll never be able to get in the ring with us. Well, that's all the time we have this week.

"Next time, on 'Slippery When Wet...'"

*The camera fades out to a Middle Eastern-themed green screen with hundreds of men dressed as Christian Crusaders and Islamic Holy Warriors in the background. James Bon Jovi, dressed as Saladin, rides up on horseback to confront The Maxx, also on horseback, dressed as King Richard.*

The Maxx: *in a mock-English accent* So, Salah ad-Din…you desert dog…at last we meet.

Bon Jovi: *in a cheesy Arabic accent* It would appear that way, most noble infidel! Jerusalem is ours—but do not worry, we have spared the latent defenders’ lives.

The Maxx: No! By Saint George, we will not let you take the Holy Land from us! Have at you!

*The two raise a pair of plastic swords and begin dueling on horseback while the men on the green screen remain motionless. Suddenly, a stock scene of a huge explosion follows for no reason.*

*Once again we're back in the studio with The Maxx and James Bon Jovi.*

Bon Jovi: So, until next time remember, if you're going to get a web show, make sure a duo more talented than you in every conceivable fashion hasn’t beaten you to the punch.

The Maxx: A message from your future W*I*G Tag-Team Champions...

Both: Be substantially envious!

[Team Ireland]

Donnelly comments on Ireland's Rugby Team

Aidan Donnelly contacted W*I*G's website team again to give more of his opinions on Ireland's ongoing performance in the RBS Six Nations.

"Disgraceful!" Donnelly said, "I mean, after kicking six layers of [CENSORED] out of France & Italy, you'd think the goys would know what to expect with England, roysh? Ireland were sloppy as anything, even if England WERE, like, playing dirty & all? We really should have won by a larger margin than that & O'Gara needs to get his act together. His kicking was [CENSORED] atrocious! Glad they won & all, but we have nothing to be proud of. Still, I remain optimistic that they can pull through & win the Six Nations. COME ON IRELAND!"

[The Dancin' Johannsons!]

The following is a blog from www.myspace.com/spykejohannson

Greetings from Stockholm, American friends!

American fans may be interested to know that Crash and I will be returning to the States pretty soon here. We will be working on a VERY limited schedule for the time being. We have been in negotiations with several wrestling organizations in America (Such as WHOA, W*I*G, KPW, and yes, even EWT) to work out making an American comeback, but it looks like we're going to be signing with W*I*G again (where we made our last American appearance).

We have been in touch with W*I*G officials and all has been forgiven for our little "hit-and-run" last year (In case you missed it, Crash and I only showed up for 3 weeks before taking yet another leave of absence. Old habits are hard to break).

We're not sure when we can catch a flight out of Stockholm and make it to the U.S., but we're hoping before March 17th. The goal is to be back in the ring before the end of the month. In a related note, one of my dream opponents for a while has been Paul London. With his release from WWE, and his expired no-compete clause, my hope is that Mr. London will be my first opponent for my return. Crash has a few people in mind for who he'd like to go against. We're trying to decide if we would like to do a tag team match upon our return, but I would assume that would depend on who Crash chooses for a possible opponent.

We'll try to keep you guys updated as we make our (hopefully anticipated) re-re-re-debut this month.

~Spyke Johannson

[The Dancin' Johannsons!]

The following is a blog from www.myspace.com/spykejohannson

Greetings fans!

Guess what?! Crash and I have arrived in America! We landed in New York City about 2 hours ago and are currently staying in a swanky NYC hotel! On Monday we will be signing autographs at the Toys R Us in Times Square, then we will be boarding another plane early Tuesday morning to make our way to the W*I*G show! Yes fans, Crash and I WILL be arriving at W*I*G on Wednesday, March 11th. In further good news, I WILL be facing Paul London! Crash decided who he'd like to challenge and he chose Taka Michinoku! So (hopefully) on Wednesday, March 11th, it will be Spyke and Crash vs. Paul London and Taka Michinoku. I say "hopefully" because that all depends on Taka's travel arrangements. But regardless, we will make an appearance on the 11th, and the match will happen soon. Take care, and I look forward to seeing you all there!

~Spyke Johannson

[Kermit The Hulk]

Wayintowrestling.com

A Few Notes On 28 Days Later:

-As most of you may know, the Latin Lovers VS Tristan Hades and a Mystery Opponent match did not take place. The reason for this was that the plane carrying the Lovers and Tristan was delayed due to lightning from a thunderstorm knocked out power at the airport. By the time the airport's electricity came back on and the plane took over, the PPV was half-way over, and there was no way Tristan and the Lovers were going to be able to make the PPV. Most likely, the match will take place as the next PPV.

-As for Damien Blood, he has signed a contract with W*I*G. Blood left TigerPath feeling that he had done enough in the company. His departure from TigerPath was explained on TV by an ongoing storyline throughout Blood's career in TigerPath. He would usually be threaten with termination of his contract by the TigerPath manager, but the threats were never carried out due to Blood always holding the fact that he was one of the company's biggest draws over their heads. On the TigerPath show on February 6, after losing a match against Shigehito Fujiwara, Blood attacked a "fan" (in reality, a TigerPath student planted in the audience). Then, a representative of TigerPath management came out and threatened Blood. However, Blood just laughed it off and then slapped the representative. Then, the representative slapped Blood back and kayfabe fired him to the delight of the crowd. The representative then left, leaving Blood shocked in the ring.

-Regarding TNT's noseguard, it is required by the W*I*G medical. He did break his nose at New Genesis, and the doctors would not let him wrestle without it. However, the break wasn't as bad as it seemed on TV. The nose is healing nicely. And, there is talk about letting TNT keep it to use as a weapon, ala "Cowboy" Bob Orton and his cast that he had for over a year.

[Team Ireland]

Donnelly comments on Irish Rugby Team's Victory

Immediately following Ireland's win over Wales in the RBS Six Nations, the first thing Aidan Donnelly did was contact the website staff here at W*I*G. Donnelly was present at the match in Millenium Stadium in Cardiff. He had the following to say:

"We [CENSORED] did it! Those [CENSORED] sheep-shaggers didn't have a chance! And how many of their players have the surname Jones? Talk about [CENSORED] in-breeding, wha'? Anyway, well done Ireland! Drico, Rog, Stringer, Bowe... You did us all proud! Six Nations, Triple Crown & Grand Slam! Now, watch us do the same over in W*I*G! COME ON IRELAND!"

[Team Ireland]

www.askpatpatterson.net

- While returning to the UK to witness Ireland's winning performance in the RBS Six Nations, Aidan Donnelly took a bit of time to return home. In addition to visits with friends & relatives, he did an interview with VIP Magazine (due to be published next month) & an appearance on RTE Two's Podge & Rodge Show (due for broadcast in Ireland on Monday night). We hope to have transcipts from both interviews available as soon as possible.

[The Latin Lovers]

Deep-sexy voiced announcer: Welcome to the Latin Love Lounge.

*We cut to the Latin Lovers, Guillermo Miramontes and Casimiro Melendez, sitting in velvet swivel chairs in a red lit room with their backs facing the camera. Guillermo is wearing black silk shirt, pants, and socks and black shoe. Casimiro has on a gray jacket, black shirt, blue jeans, black socks, and black sneakers. Next to each chair is a little table with a brand sniffer filled with cognac on each one. In between the chairs is a mail bag filled with letters. There are photos of sexy women on the walls and heart shaped balloons floating around, with stings tied to them and attached to the floor. Suddenly, Guillermo and Casimiro turn around. Two of the red lights switch to normal so that they aren’t in red.*

Casimiro: Hello, and welcome to the Latin Love Lounge. We are your hosts, the Latin Lovers.

Guillermo: And, we have DATES!!!! YES, YES, YES!!!!

Casimiro: Yes, it’s true. For those of you who did not see March 29th…well, here’s the ending of the match.

*Suddenly, a clip from the Latin Lovers match at March 29th starts playing.*

*Jobby soaks in the cheers of the crowd. As this goes on, Guillermo gets up. He charges at Jobby, but Jobby turns around and catches him on his shoulders again, setting him up for the Go To Sleep. Jobby throws Guillermo off of his shoulders and surprises Guillermo with a weak slap. Guillermo looks confused. Jobby just looks at Guillermo and asks “How does that feel?” Then, Guillermo grabs Jobby and hits him with an overhead belly to belly suplex.*

Jeannie: I stand corrected.

Tom: The GAH does nothing to Guillermo, and Guillermo takes advantage.

*Both men get up. Guillermo hits Jobby with a superkick that sends him staggering back into the ropes. As Jobby bounces off of them, Guillermo runs to the opposite ropes, bounces off of them, and charges at Jobby. Suddenly, Jobby trips and lands head first into Guillermo crotch as he comes charging at him. The audience lets out a sympathetic groan as Guillermo lets out a girlish scream.*

Tom: Eva Maria! The Banana In The Tail Pipe comes through for Jobby, causing Guillermo to sing soprano!

Jeannie: I don’t believe it! Jobby screwed up, and it somehow pays off for him!

Tom: IT’S JOE-BY!!!!

Jeannie: STOP CORRECTING ME!!!!

*Jobby gets up and sees Guillermo bend over in pain. Jobby taps his finger to his head and then puts his finger to his lips and shushes the audience. Jobby sneaks up behind Guillermo, picks him up into an electric chair, and then quickly drops down in a sitting position, sending Guillermo crashing face first to the mat with a wheelbarrow facebuster.*

Tom: JOBBY HITS THE JOB!!!! JOBBY’S GONNA WIN IT!!!!

Jeannie: I don’t believe it. The Neon Nightmare’s gonna win it!!!!


*Jobby rolls Guillermo over and pins him. The crowd cheers loudly.*

Ref: 1…










Ref: 2…










Ref: Thr--*Suddenly, Casimiro comes flying into the ring and lands on Jobby with a diving top rope leg drop, breaking up the pin.*

Tom: No! Dammit! Casimiro stops Jobby from getting a victory with News Of A Kidnapping!

Jeannie: Oh thank God! I couldn’t handle it if Jobby beat the Lovers.

Tom: IT’S JOE-BY!!!!

Jeannie: You gotta stop saying that.

*Jobby rolls on the mat, holding his head. Casimiro gets up and slap Guillermo a few times, trying to wake him up; but it doesn’t work. Suddenly, the ladies in the crowd start chanting “Panty Power.” Casimiro obliges them by pulling the panties he caught earlier from his tights and drops them onto Guillermo’s face. Suddenly, Tristan comes from out of nowhere and knocks Casimiro into the ropes and out of the ring with a hard clothesline that sends both men out of the ring. Both men start fighting with each other on the outside. In the ring, Guillermo’s arm pops up. He grabs the panties, takes a big whiff, and kips up. Jobby also gets up and charges at Guillermo, but Guillermo catches him with an over the shoulder belly to back suplex.*

Tom: El Amor to Jobby.

Jeannie: Thanks to PANTY POWER!!!!

Tom: Oh God! I hate that!

*On the outside, Tristan and Casimiro are still fighting on the outside. Tristan gets Casimiro backed into a corner and charges at him. However, Casimiro gets his feet up, and Tristan runs right into them unable to stop. Then, Casimiro hits Tristan with a spear and starts punching him in the head on the floor. Meanwhile, in the ring, Guillermo gets up and picks up Jobby. Then, he hits Jobby with a Northern lights suplex and then lifts Jobby up and hits him with an over the shoulder belly to back suplex.*

Tom: Now, Guillermo hits Jobby with A Flor De Piel.

Jeannie: Once again, thanks to PANTY POWER!!!!

Tom: Do I have to hear you yell that!?

Jeannie: If I have to hear you yell “IT’S JOE-BY!”, then yes, you do!

Tom: But, you’ve constantly mispronounced his name!

Jeannie: So!?

*Guillermo kips up and soaks in the cheers of the ladies in the crowd. Jobby gets up, and Guillermo hits him with a superkick that sends Jobby staggering back into a corner. Guillermo then charges at Jobby in the corner, but Jobby moves out of the way. Guillermo runs right into the corner and spins around. Jobby kicks Guillermo in the stomach, picks him up, and then goes for a bodyslam; but Guillermo surprises him with a roll-up pin.*

Ref: 1…


2…


3! *The bell rings, the ladies pop, Guillermo jumps up in celebration, and the Latin Lovers’ music plays. Casimiro hears it and stops punching Tristan.*

Finkel: Here are your winners—THE LATIN LOVERS!!!!

Jeannie: YES!!!! GUILLERMO PINNED THE NEON NIGHTMARE!!!!

Tom: The Lovers win! They’re going to get their date with Synthy and Lexi!!!!

Jeannie: Oh no! NO!!!! JOBBY GOT A SHOULDER UP!!!! RESTART THE MATCH!!!!

*Guillermo exits the ring and joins Casimiro in celebration! Jobby sits up holding his head. He looks a little disappointed, but he just shrugs his shoulders and says “Oh well.” Tristan gets up, hears the Latin Lovers’ music, sees Jobby disappointed in the ring, sees the Lovers celebrating, and realizations that he and Jobby have lost. Tristan yells out in anger, a yell that is pure animalistic and fills the arena. He kicks the steel guardrail. The Lovers continue celebrating until they see Tristan. They lock eyes with him. Suddenly, Tristan charges at the Lovers, and the Lovers run off up the ramp. Tristan follows them.*

Tom: There go the Lovers with Tristan following them. I fear for the Lovers if Tristan gets a hold of them.

Jeannie: I hope he does. Maybe he’ll injure them so much that they won’t be able to go out with Synthy and Lexi.

Tom: Anyway, I was very happy to see Jobby McJobberston come back from injury and wrestle tonight! Even you, Jeannie, have to be impressed with him.

Jeannie: Well…I’ve seen worse. So, Jobby wasn’t that bad.

Tom: IT’S JOE-BY!!!!

*Then, we cut back to the Latin Lovers.*

Guillermo: I don’t know where Synthy found this guy, but I’m glad she picked him.

Casimiro: Really? Why’s that? Did you enjoy his upbeat attitude? His fondness for the Eighties? His wrestling attire?

Guillermo: No! I’m glad because he was easy to beat!

Casimiro: C’mon, man! That’s not cool. Jobby McJobberston did the best he could. And, I for one applaud his effort in the match.

Guillermo: Whatever! Anyway, we got our dates with Synthy Eris and Lexi Dyionysi! I can’t wait!

Casimiro: Well, you’ll have to. We have a show to do. Now, let’s get with it. Each week on the Latin Love Lounge, we answers letters from you wonderful fans out there. If you have any questions about love or need some advice, send them to [e-mail] or write them to 123 Miller Street, Seattle, WA 98101.

Guillermo: That e-mail seems different.

Casimiro: Uh…yes…it turns out that I gave the wrong e-mail address on the last show. *nervous laughter*

Guillermo: You what!? How could you forget the e-mail address!?

Casimiro: It was new! I hadn’t had time to memorize it! Lay off me!

Guillermo: Whatever. Remember to keep your letters anonymous. Then, we will answer four of them on the air. Now, let’s get to answering some, shall we?

*Casimiro reaches into the bag and pulls it out.*

Casimiro: Our first letter is from Flustered in Phoenix. Flustered writes:

“Dear Lovers,

I am confused. I need your advice. You see, I work for a man who is wonderful. He is funny, entertaining, and has a nice pompadour. However, he is insanely jealous and becomes whenever I date other men. Now, me and my boss are not dating…sort of. It’s complicated—I won’t get into the details. Anyway, I am being pursued by another man. He is a brute, a bully, and a scoundrel. As Mahalia Jackson would say, “He ain’t nothin’ but a hound dog!” However, I’m strangely attracted to him. I don’t know why! This man has attacked my boss many times and seems to take pleasure in beating him up. But, this man a strange animal magnetism and raw sexuality that I can’t ignore. When we get together, we are like David and Maddie on Moonlighting. He can’t stand each other, but there is a thick sexual attraction between us that can’t be ignored. I don’t know what to do! I want to act on my feelings for this man, but I can’t because my loyalty to my employer! What should I do!?

Signed,

Flustered In Phoenix.”

Guillermo: Ah, this is easy. Ignorance is bliss.

Casimiro: Huh? Explain.

Guillermo: What your boss doesn’t know won’t hurt him. You see, sexual attraction is something that can’t be ignored. If you try to bury deep down within you, then it can lead to terrible consequences. You have to act on it, Flustered. You and this man must get together and let forth the explosion of your volcanoes.

Casimiro: Ew!

Guillermo: Shut up! Anyway, you must be with this man but in secret! Go to hotels. Have your friend come over when your boss is out of town. Drug your boss and hook up while he’s unconscious. You can’t ignore the animalist passion that is inside of you, but you can keep it hidden.

Casimiro: Good answer, even if it was a little disgusting. Let’s move on.

*Guillermo reaches into the bag and pulls it out.*

Guillermo: Hey! We have a repeat! Angry in Indianapolis has written us another letter!

Casimiro: Great! Read it.

Guillermo: “Dear Lovers,

YOU SON OF BITCHES!!!! HOW DARE YOU INSULT ME WHEN I ASK YOU FOR ADVICE!!!!? I OUGHT RIP YOU DICKS NEW ASSHOLES!!!! IF I EVER MEET UP WITH YOU AGAIN, I WILL *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep*. KISS MY ASS, BITCHBOYS!!!!

*beep* YOU!!!!

ANGRY IN INDIANAPOLIS!!!!

P.S. STAY AWAY FROM MY SISTERS!!!!”

*The Lovers just star at the camera. They look a little afraid.*

Casimiro: Um…sorry.

Guillermo: When did we meet his sisters?

Casimiro: Let’s just move on.

*Casimiro reaches into the bag and pulls it out.*

Casimiro: This one is from Suspicious In Spokane. She writes:

“Dear Lovers,

I am, well, suspicious. I think my boyfriend is cheating on me. He always flirts with girls. He stays out late. And, strange women call all the time. But, I’m not one hundred percent for sure. He was always a big flirt. He is usually out with his single friends who are better at getting ladies than him. And, he is a photographer and usually photographs models. I could be wrong, but the suspicion won’t leave. I have thinking about looking onto his laptop or cell phone to see if I’m right. Is this a good idea?

Signed,

Suspicious in Spokane.”

Guillermo: I say, you should spy on him. You should look on his laptop and his cell phone. You should go to all the clubs and bars he goes to and ask around about him. Hell, hire a private investigator to follow him. But! Before you do any of this, be prepared to dump him! If you want, just go ahead and dump him without doing any of the things I just said. You see, this relationship is obviously not going to work. Your suspicious could ultimately drive him away. And, you were to spy on him and pry into his life, you’re ultimately going to find something on him you’re not going to like. You might as well just dump him and cut your losses. Find someone you can trust completely because it sounds to me that that will be the only you can have a long committed relationship. Or, you could just not do any of that and trust him.

Casimiro: Good answer. I feel like we may change some lives. Probably not for the better, but still. Next letter.

*Guillermo reaches into the back and pulls it out.*

Guillermo: Our final letter today comes from Envious In Atlantic City. Envious writes:

“Dear Lovers,

I am jealous. You see, I have this male friend. For as long as I’ve known him, he’s been straight. However, he’s now met these Latino guys and is having weird feelings for them. He can’t stop thinking and talking about them. He just enamored over them. And, it’s driving me insane! I mean, why these losers!? He should be noticing me! I’ve done everything to get him to notice me! I put my hair in a nice faux-hawk! I’ve been working out at all the same gyms he has! I even started a web show with him! But, he still pines for these Latin Losers! I don’t understand it! I have been there for him this whole, and he can’t stop crushing over these two losers who just walked into his life! They don’t even like him!!!! But, I like him! I like him a lot! But, he wouldn’t notice me if my hair was on fire!!!! How do I get him to notice me!!!!?

Sincerely,

Envious In Atlantic City.”

Casimiro: This is easy. Just tell him! It’s obvious he’s too dense to get that you have feelings for him. You need to spell it out for him. Tell him how you feel! And, be honest. Don’t hold back! In fact, give him an ultimatum! Tell him that he needs to choose between you and these Latinos! And, tell him that it should be an easy answer since these Latino fellows sound like very straight men who would rather be with many ladies! Tell him has basically has no choice but to choose you! I’m sure after you express your true feelings for him to him that he will realize his feelings for you. It will fall on his head like that apple on Sir Isaac Newton. He will discover a wonderful world in which you and him are together forever, frolicking in flowery fields with the sweet smell of strawberries in the air. The wind rustling in your air as you two playfully wrestle each and express your love for another. And then, you two can move to Vermont and get married. You can serve crabcakes and little cocktail weenies at you wedding.

Guillermo: *crying* Oh God! That’s beautiful. *pulls a black handkerchief from his shirt pocket and wipes his eyes with it* You have to tell him this, Envious. YOU TO!!!!

Casimiro: Okay, that’s enough for today. I’m Casimiro Melendez.

Guillermo: *stops crying* And, I’m Guillermo Miramontes. Remember, wherever there are sexy women dancing alone in a dance club, we will be there!

Casimiro: Wherever there are love songs on the radio being listened to buy lonely women, we will be there!

Guillermo: Wherever there are women sitting at home alone while their men cheat on them, we will be there!

Casimiro: Wherever there are men in bars who need wingmen to help them get women, we will be there!

Casimiro and Guillermo: And, WHERE THERE IS LOVE, WE WILL BE THERE!!!!

[C. M. Synthy]

www.olympusonline.net


*Despite how it may have appeared at the end of March 29, Olympus Sibling Tristan Hades was not okay. Do to numerous unprotected blows to his skull, Tristan went under hardcore observation from numerous doctors to see if anything was wrong. He'd reported to his sisters that he'd been having a variety of headaches over the past few months, under high levels of varying pain. His most recent review revealed a severe concussion and a few fractures on his skull. Doctors have told Tristan he needs to stay away from working in the ring for the next few months.

Synthy has also added in her brother will most definitely be on house watch, and told him that if he values being her brother, he will not wrestle. Tristan dutifully agreed to his sister he will not step into the ring until cleared by the doctors. *

[James Bon Jovi]

*Bon Jovi's "Have A Nice Day" plays.*

Howard Finkel: Introducing, LIVE from the Acropolis of Bewilderment...



*The scene opens on James Bon Jovi & The Maxx sitting in Director's-style chairs with a backdrop of the New Jersey sky-line behind them. The Maxx is wearing a T-Shirt, a leather jacket, designer jeans & his usual fedora/doo-rag, he also sports a chain around his neck &, under that, a stylish male scarf. James is dressed in the usual combo of tight-looking jeans, with a chain hanging out of the right pocket, as well as a t-shirt with a sparkly .*

James Bon Jovi: Hello, I'm the one, the only, JAMES...BON...JOVI...and when no one was looking, I took forty cakes to donate to starving children in Darfur.

*The camera pans over to a wagon loaded with what do, indeed, seem to be forty cakes stacked upon it, before panning back to James.*

Bon Jovi: Forty cakes. And that’s terrible. Which is why I gave them back to their rightful owner—me!

The Maxx: And I'm "The Overnight Sensation" THE Maxx! Today we're looking back on W*I*G's latest PPV offering. The reason for this recap being that without us on the card, nobody really had a reason to order it.

Bon Jovi: So, without further ado, we offer you an overview of...

*FANFARE!*

Bon Jovi: W*I*G's MARCH 29TH! Or, “29th of March” for our fans from “across the pond” in the United Kingdom.

The Maxx: March 29th?! That sucks! What idiot came up with that name?

Bon Jovi: I'm glad you asked, Maxx. You see it was our new boss...

The Maxx: [Suddenly backtracking]Not that it isn't a great name, of course...

Bon Jovi: ONE... of our new bosses.

The Maxx: Is it too late to suck up to the other one?

*Star-wipe to the next "scene".*

Bon Jovi: Let's start with the fact that Team Ireland lost every single one of their matches...

*The Benny Hill music starts to play over a montage of images showing various members of Team Ireland getting beaten up or defeated at W*I*G's March 29th PPV. The music ends abruptly...*

The Maxx: Those guys suck!

Bon Jovi: One of them's a chick.

The Maxx: That little Sean McCann bitch?

Bon Jovi: Possibly. What am I? Their A&E Biographer? And behold the rarest sight any of us in W*I*G has ever seen...a White Boys title defense!

*Various stills & brief clips from the White Boys' match against Paul's Boutique are shown.*

The Maxx: As is evident from the footage, The White Boys haven't been using their extensive time off to actually train or improve in any way whatsoever.

Bon Jovi: And their choice in competition hasn't improved any, either. After nearly getting beaten up by a pair of girls, The White Boys had the temerity to choose opponents who...well, for a lack of a better phrase…suck more than Soulja Boy, Lil’ Wayne, Katy Perry, Britney Spears AND all of Nickleback combined.

The Maxx: Yeah, can you imagine somebody wanting to be portrayed as an imitator of a musical act that peaked in the 1980s?

Bon Jovi: The very notion is laughable. *James frowns and shakes his head in disgust.*

*Star-wipe to The Maxx & Bon Jovi again.*

The Maxx: Speaking of teams that absolutely suck, did you see The Latin Losers' match at March 29th?

Bon Jovi: Unfortunately, yes. But only because my eyes were forced open Clockwork Orange-style. By the way, did you see that pitiful little celebration that they held immediately thereafter?

Mar 31, 2009 21:46:15 GMT -5 The Latin Lovers said:

Casimiro: Hello, and welcome to the Latin Love Lounge. We are your hosts, the Latin Lovers.

Guillermo: And, we have DATES!!!! YES, YES, YES!!!!

Bon Jovi: Now, the question is, why would two such—self-professed—ladies’ men be so ecstatic over getting dates? Could it be that the pair are actually dateless wonders?

The Maxx: Yes, despite their professed track record with the ladies, it would appear that the Latin Losers are, in fact, total virgins.

*A picture of The Latin Lovers with the word [VIRGINS] stamped across it appears on screen.*

Bon Jovi: Ooooh, BUS~TED! Sorry, guys. We know that this news is gonna cripple your greasy little hearts, but…we don't allow virgins in the Acropolis of Bewilderment. But hey, you could just proclaim yourselves to be asexual religious zealots and run with that for a while, and no one may be the wiser.

*Star-wipe again.*

The Maxx: Speaking of guys who are desperate to get their mitts on that fat-ass Synthy Eris... what about Coltrane?

Bon Jovi: The big tough guy who wants to beat up on girls? He's nearly as cowardly as the White Boys. Not to mention roughly as dumb as them. But hey, at least Coltrane actually DEFENDS HIS TITLE!

The Maxx: Speaking of dudes who enjoy beating up women...

Bon Jovi: Can we just leave it there?

The Maxx: Huh?

Bon Jovi: There were too many damn matches on this card &... well, to say they all licked the proverbial balls is an understatement. Without our magnificent presence there to anchor the show & provide the much needed highlight that those filling the W*I*G-Sphere so desperately needed, well, the show really suffered for it. But, since we promised a recap...

The Maxx: Here's a quick match-by-match rundown of the card.

*This music begins to play as a variety of stills from March 29th are shown, each one showing the wrestlers from each match with the words [SUCKED] stamped over them.*

Bon Jovi: Hardcore Hensley vs. Shane Malone: [SUCKED]

The Maxx: Team Raft Shack & Lexi Dyionysi v. Randy Tony & The Superstars: [SUCKED]

Bon Jovi: Lily-Rose vs. Vile: [SUCKED]

The Maxx: Jimmy "Magnum" Constance & L. Rey vs. Damien Blood & TNT: [SUCKED]

Bon Jovi: The White Boys vs. Paul's Boutique: [SUCKED]

The Maxx: Sky Monix vs. Lana de la Croix: [SUCKED]

Bon Jovi: Molly Ringworm vs. Maeve O'Hare: [SUCKED]

The Maxx: Juri Sadamoto vs. Chick Aura: [SUCKED]

Bon Jovi: Chaz Stone & Fannie Package vs. Team Ireland: [SUCKED]

The Maxx: Rosie vs. Ykaterina Milosanova: [SUCKED]

Bon Jovi: The Latin Losers vs. Tristan Hades & Jobby McJobberston: [SUCKED]

The Maxx: Coltrane vs. Synthy Eris: [SUCKED]

Bon Jovi: So, for all our fans that missed it...you actually didn’t miss anything at all. Except for total, utter MEGA-SUCKAGE.

*Star-wipe.*

The Maxx: The arrival & departure of Lucifer Satanicus had a profound impact on W*I*G.

Bon Jovi: In this "Slippery When Wet" exclusive, we can now show you the shocking truth behind his departure.

*Star-wipe to a shot of The Maxx & James Bon Jovi chatting by a water cooler.*

The Maxx: So I says to Mabel, I says...

*The Maxx stops talking as he turns around. A still from the Lucifer Satanicus promo video is seen showing both the hooded man & his demon companion.*

Bon Jovi: Hello, Lucifer. You look like you have something to say. Do you?

*The same still is shown, a voiceover sporting a California surfer-dude accent speaks.*

Lucifer 1: Yes, I certainly do...

*The voice changes to that of a gruff man.*

Lucifer 2: I have to go now, my planet needs me.

*The still slowly rises out of frame with an accompanying sound effect. It is followed by a sign filling the screen bearing the words:*

LUCIFER DIED ON THE WAY BACK TO HIS HOME PLANET

Bon Jovi: Wow, he was from another planet?

The Maxx: So I says to Mabel, I says...

*Star-wipe back to The Maxx & Bon Jovi.*

Bon Jovi: And that's what happened.

*Star-wipe.*

Finkel: Next time on "Slippery When Wet"...

*We see The Maxx & Bon Jovi creeping around an old, creepy-looking house in the dark. The background, of course, being provided by their trusty green-screen projector. Both men are holding torches.*

The Maxx: I'm telling you, dude. I totally heard something.

Bon Jovi: Relax, man. There's nothing in here. We're just going to tell the girls it's haunted. Then when they're terrified, they'll come running to us.

The Maxx: Sex through fear... awesome!

*The two high-five, then Bon Jovi opens a door.*

Bon Jovi: And in here we should have...

*We suddenly go to a close-up of The Maxx & Bon Jovi's faces as they scream in terror!*

Both: AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!

*A stock scene of a huge explosion follows for no reason.*

*Once again we're back in the studio with The Maxx & Bon Jovi.*

Bon Jovi: Until then, remember that if you want delicious Brie cheese, you should buy it from your local grocer or French farmer…as opposed as trying to obtain it from one of the Bella twins.

*He pulls out a strange looking piece of cheese from the pocket of his vest and begins eating it.*

The Maxx: And which is that from?

Bon Jovi: Wouldn’t you like to know!

The Maxx: Um…okay. Er…a message from your future W*I*G Tag-Team Champions...

Both: Be Substantially Envious!

[The Dancin' Johannsons!]

www.smarkynewzsite.edu

News and Notes on Spyke and Crash

-Believe it or not, folks. Spyke and Crash have not left W*I*G yet. They've cut a few promos and even competed in a match, but usually by this time they "mysteriously disappear." However, our insider sources within W*I*G note that Spyke and Crash are still there and working on storyline plans. Unfortunately current plans could not be disclosed to us thanks to an NDA clause in the Johannsons contracts. We can at least tell you though, that the Johannsons are still with W*I*G and are committed.